


never be alone

by FoxNonny



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR FRIENDS, Gen, I have a lot of feelings okay, Keith needs approx 500000 hugs, M/M, Mentions of PTSD, and in this fic he gets at least one, because people heard I was watching Voltron and wanted a Voltron fic, mostly a character study with plot, some h/c, spoilers for literally everything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-03
Updated: 2016-08-03
Packaged: 2018-07-29 02:11:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7666327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FoxNonny/pseuds/FoxNonny
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Keith has spent much of his life alone, one way or another, and it's something he's having trouble letting go of as he becomes close with his Voltron family.</p>
<p>After all, people have a bad habit of protecting the things that hurt them the most.</p>
            </blockquote>





	never be alone

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes from the song "Never Be Alone" by TheFatRat, which if you want more *feelings* I suggest listening to because it definitely fuelled this entire fic.

**i.**

Shiro is gone, likely for good, and Keith is alone. 

There was just no staying in the Garrison after that - no point. He was written off as drop-out and left to rot in the desert, which suits him fine. It helps him adjust back to how things were _before._

No family worth mentioning, no friends past acquaintances; more like allies, means to an end. Speaking without breaching the surface. He never noticed the ache of things until an older cadet noticed him. 

Noticed, spoke to him. Kept coming back for more. Not just the accidental conversation of the daily grind, but Shiro wanted to talk to _him._  Keith. 

It took getting used to. And then, like a drug, Keith became addicted to the questions, the answers, the smiles, the laughing. Connection. How had he lived without it all these years? 

There was something else, too, but he never let it stray far from his heart, played as close to his chest as his every breath. 

Inhale, _tell him._  

Exhale, _laugh, and look away._

Then Shiro was gone, but only temporarily, and it stung more than he'd expected it to, but it was going to be alright. He was willing to wait. 

One morning at breakfast months later, they all received the news. The mess hall was ugly with tears, the sounds of cadets holding each other close, " _Shiro just graduated, didn't he? I never knew him but he seemed so nice._ "

" _Keith doesn't seem to care much, does he?_ "

" _He probably didn't know him. Guy doesn't really talk to anyone, you know?_ "

Keith packed his things and left that day.

Now he rots in the desert, and the months chip away at the mountain in his chest, the cold hard rock that's replaced whatever warmth was starting to build there. He looks up at the stars during long nights and tries to shift his mind back to how things were. It never hurt before, being alone. Or if it did, he never noticed. 

Some nights he wishes to _hell_  and back that he never met Takashi Shirogane. That he never learned how to hurt this much.

Other nights he replays their conversations over in his head, lives in the past, lets his dreams take him under into a better place until the morning comes.

_Some people,_  he comes to realize, _are probably just meant to be alone._

He can't un-meet Shiro. But he knows better now, than to let anyone else so close again. 

 

**ii.**

_Shiro is alive._

Some kid is nattering at him, saying things, two other cadets stand close by looking nervous and fidgety, have probably never broken a rule in their lives, and Keith can't fucking breathe because _Shiro is alive._

Shiro's arm is over his shoulders and he's making for the exit and not for the first time he's wishing he had a few extra inches on him and that he was heavier built because _fuck,_  he can't carry Shiro on his own-

The weight lessens, and there's that goddamn cadet again, taking Shiro's other arm, _helping._

"Who are you?" Keith asks, more confused than pissed at this point, but nowhere close to a "thank you." 

"I'm _Lance_ ," says the kid, like Keith should know. Like he should remember anything from the Garrison beyond what he lost. 

Keith doesn't particularly care. There's an extra set of hands getting Shiro to safety, and that's all that's important right now. 

_Shiro is alive. Shiro is alive. Shiro is alive._

Just when Keith had started to remember how to be alone again, too. The relief is sharp, but not sharp enough to pierce that wall he's built around himself, now.

After all, he's lost Shiro once. He can lose him again. It's just not worth the pain.

 

**iii.**

It's not forming Voltron, that starts to get to him. 

It should, you know- hard to keep your guard up when you're practically in each other's heads, becoming a part of a single unit that thinks as one, but that's all work. He can kind of understand why Pidge might not like it, but it's not intimate, what they're doing. Means to an end, after all. Acquaintances. He's used to that.

What gets to him, is when Pidge laughs at his jokes. When he and Hunk team up to tease Lance into his fifth conniption fit of the day. When Shiro - _fuck, Shiro_ \- puts a hand on his shoulder. Squeezes. Smiles, picks up where they left off and treats him like a friend.

And Shiro needs a friend these days, doesn't he? When they're training and suddenly Shiro's eyes go blank and Keith knows he's not there anymore. When he thinks no one is watching and his shoulders sag and he looks years younger, years older, all at once. When he looks down at his prosthetic hand and he's got those unwanted memories, vague and patchy though they might be, grafted to him forever, both physically and mentally. 

On a hunch, Keith waits until night falls and everyone's asleep, and takes a midnight walk past Shiro's room. He's not surprised to hear shouting coming from inside, nonsensical, panicked.

Keith slips inside, quiet as a shadow, and absolutely certain it's a bad idea but willing to bet he's faster than Shiro, shakes him awake.

He's not faster than Shiro, as it turns out, and there's a metal hand wrapped around his throat before he can duck away, lifting him near off his feet, and honestly he probably deserves this on some karmic, cosmic level-

The grip releases, and he collapses back on to the floor, wheezing. 

"Shit, shit, _shit!_ Keith, I- _shit_ , I'm so sorry-"

Keith lifts a hand to wave Shiro off, his eyes watering as he struggles to get his voice back, when suddenly he's wrapped up tight in a strong, desperate embrace.

It's not helping him breathe, for more than a few reasons.

He can't remember if he's ever been hugged before, but he knows for a fact no one's ever held him like the world was ending. Like Shiro's holding him now. 

"Shiro, I'm okay, but you're definitely about to collapse one of my lungs, here," he says eventually, because his resting pulse is "smartass" and he can't seem to fucking help himself. 

Shiro jumps a little and pulls away, but not very far, both hands coming to rest on Keith's shoulders. His eyes are enormous in the darkness, brow furrowed, and there are fine lines worked through his skin that weren't there before he left for Kerberos. 

(Keith has always had freakishly good night vision.)

"You sure you're alright?" Shiro asks. "I'm so sorry, I- I could have killed you-"

"Not if your performance in the training ring is anything to go by," Keith says, quirking a brow. "I managed to knock you on your ass at _least_  twice today."

Shiro snorts. "You're starting to sound like Lance."

"Fuck no."

"It's true."

" _Ugh._ "

Keith gets to his feet and offers Shiro a hand, helping him up - well, at least most of the way up. _My fucking life for a few more inches._

"Are you gonna be okay?" Keith asks, as Shiro sits back on his mattress, scrubbing his good hand over his face. "Sounded like a rough dream." He swallows, because he needs that wall, he remembers how much it hurt and he can't, he _can't,_  but he adds, "I can... stay for a while."

Shiro looks up at that, and whatever he says next, Keith doesn't need to hear it because his eyes just say " _Please._ "

So Keith takes a seat next to him, draws his knees up to his chest, and for a few minutes they don't say anything at all.

Then Shiro breathes, and says, "I'm sorry."

"Again? Dude, it was one accidental attempted murder, I'm over it."

"No, I mean... for Kerberos. You all thought I was dead." A breath, then, " _You_ thought I was dead."

It's too close to home, so Keith occupies himself with the sheet of alien linen beneath him, working the fabric between his fingers and trying to find a snag. "Well, turns out they were just exaggerating a little, weren't they?"

"I just- you don't have to answer, but... is that why you dropped out of the cadet program? Because of me?"

There's not a single loose thread to be found, but honestly, Keith isn't even sure if thread is used in alien blankets. For all he knows this could be the hide of some unfortunate alien deer, or something. "Thinking a little highly of yourself, there, huh?"

"Maybe," Shiro says. "But it sounds like you were alone out there for a while, in that desert. And you seem different, now. I don't know, I feel like before I left I was just getting to know you, and now-"

Keith lets the blanket slip from his hand, and looks up to meet Shiro's eyes. It's Shiro who looks away first.

"You don't have to be alone, is what I'm saying," Shiro says. "You've got me, but you also have Lance - God help us - and Hunk, and Pidge. Even Allura and Coran, they'd do anything to keep you safe."

_Because you all need me,_  Keith thinks, and doesn't say. _Because you need the Red Lion. A paladin to pilot it. Means to an end._

"I'm fine," he says. "I'm always fine."

Shiro smiles, and the wall cracks, and Keith knows he's absolutely not fucking fine.

 

**iv.**

Seeing Lance lying motionless on the floor, wreathed in smoke and debris as Shiro rushes to his side, tries unsuccessfully to wake him, all Keith can think of is the cold emptiness of the desert night. The yawning chasm in his chest. The mountain of pain and screaming and loss-

It's in that moment that he realizes the truth.

_He's fucking terrified of being alone._

 

**v.**

Everyone stares at Keith like he's Zarkon himself when he suggests leaving Allura to the Galra. Even Shiro looks disappointed. 

"That's cold, Keith," says Hunk quietly. "Even for you."

_Even for you._

It shouldn't hurt as much as it does to hear. _Even for you._  

He feels like he's on an ice floe in the water, one that's tipping, scrambling for purchase as he slides towards the inevitable. He never _wanted_  these people to mean anything to him - not Allura, not Hunk, not any of them. But they do. 

And between the things he knows he has to say because _someone_  has to say them- between that, between the things he can't begin to think about (what the _hell_  happened to his hand back at the quintessence mining facility, _why_  was he able to get the Galra hand scanner to work), and with the ruler of a ten thousand year old galactic empire gunning for them, he knows he's going to lose them.

Whether by his own fault or the fucking universe being what it is, he's going to lose all of them. 

_No one gets left behind,_  someone is saying, and they're planning their big heroic rescue, and Keith feels like a ghost in a room full of painful memories waiting to happen. He nods along until he's able to leave. 

Footsteps behind him, and he doesn't turn around until a hand takes hold of his arm, turning him.

"Someone had to say it, what you said," Pidge says, her eyes sombre behind her glasses. "Everyone's just stressed, okay? We all say stupid things."

"We're about to _do_  a stupid thing," Keith says flatly. "You could all- _we_  could all get killed."

(He's not afraid of dying first.)

"We'll watch each other's backs, like we always do," Pidge says. "We're gonna be fine. No one's getting left behind."

Keith doesn't know for sure, but he doesn't think Pidge is talking about Allura this time. Her eyes are a little too keen as she says it, like she knows anything of Keith's fear.

_I wish I could believe you, Pidge._

 

**vi.**

Predictably, everything falls to shit pretty much immediately. 

Voltron is in pieces, and each Lion is swarmed by enemy fighters, each paladin barely keeping up. Keith dodges left and right, from one near miss to another, all while they try to pull together another plan, another way to win this, to live-

_Shiro. Where the hell is Shiro?_

Keith turns and sees it - the Black Lion being pulled into the Galra ship, hears Shiro struggling with the controls.

_He's going to lose them. Every last one of them. And Shiro, again-_

" _What are you doing, Keith?!_ "

"Whatever I _can!_ " he shouts, piloting straight for the Black Lion. For Shiro. 

_I won't lose you. I won't lose. I won't-_

 

**vii.**

- _lose. I won't lose._

But he _is_ losing, as much as he can't bring himself to admit it. Zarkon has the edge, and he's exhausted and battered from trying to fight him, starting to _feel_  each blow the Lion catches from Zarkon's weapons. He tells himself he's keeping Zarkon distracted, he's helping the others, he's doing something, but fuck it all, he's doing none of that shit purposefully. 

He's not fighting Zarkon. He's waging a bloody battle against those empty desert nights. Against the thought of never seeing Shiro smile again, or making Pidge laugh, or never seeing Lance's stupid face again and trying not to snicker through every new and undoubtedly lame insult the guy comes up with for him. Every strike he lands is one against losing Hunk, Allura, Coran, and he screams through his frustration and rage and _fear._

" _You fight like a Galra soldier,_ " Zarkon says, and it's yet another reminder of all the ways Keith might lose them, and he _can't._

But he can, and he will, and he feels his Lion give out beneath his hands as he's thrashed against the ship's hull one last fatal time with absolute certainty that Zarkon is about to win.

He's not afraid of dying first. But Zarkon won't stop at killing him, and the others are still too close-

Then suddenly his Lion is caught up in the jaws of a much larger beast, and a familiar voice is in his ear.

" _I've got you, buddy._ "

_Shiro._

He shouldn't be surprised that they didn't leave him behind. That's not the type of people they are, after all.

(It's not the type of person he is either, as it turns out.)

They leave Zarkon behind, and damn it all, they almost fucking win this one.

Almost.

 

**viii.**

Keith is alone. 

Not a desert this time, thank fuck, but some kind of cold forest that seems constantly shrouded in a clinging mist. There are no stars to navigate by at night, if he even could navigate the stars in this galaxy. He's counted up the provisions in the Lion's storage, and he's got enough to last him a year, probably. It's not as comforting a thought as it should be. 

He wonders where the others wound up. He wonders if he and Shiro were the only ones to fall out of the wormhole. He wonders if Lance, too, is alone on some cold rock somewhere, counting up provisions, looking for the stars. He wonders if Hunk is somewhere with access to fresh food because he's not a fan of Altean survival protein blocks by any means. He wonders if Pidge has already fitted her Lion with some kind of wormhole stabilization software to stop this from happening again because she always seems to have 20/20 foresight, seems to live a few steps into the future. 

He wonders if Allura and Coran are alright. 

Keith is alone, but the Red Lion has some kind of self-repair system that has been working day and night to get things up and running again. Judging by its progress, he imagines he'll only be stuck here a few more days. 

The Lion has a navigation system, and more than that, it always seems to know where its brothers and sisters are. Keith won't spend a moment longer on this planet than he has to before he starts his hunt for them. 

Keith is alone, yes. But he won't be for long. Not when he's ready to lay down everything he has, not when he's willing to give everything to fight for this.

_For them._  

**Author's Note:**

> I have to be awake in less than six hours but this HAD TO BE DONE. Hope y'all enjoyed!
> 
> Here's the song that caused this to happen and I'm listening to it again and getting emotional aGAIN GODDAMMIIIIITTTTT might have to podfic this one.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iyWjKQo9-m8


End file.
